Ain’t No Fairy Tale: Part III

 

“But Ruth said, ‘Do not urge me to leave you or return from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God.’ ”

Ruth 1:16 English Standard Version

Children are completely at the mercy of whatever their parents decide. If their biological parents divorce, the child/children is always deeply wounded and has no way to protect themselves from the pain. Even in the most amicable divorces there is pain, trauma and transition for all involved, especially the children.

If one of both of the parents decide to remarry, the child is placed in yet another precarious tangle of emotions and transitions. Because of this, Step-Moms need to be aware that it can take up to two years for a child to adjust in the most positive scenarios. More time is needed depending on the character variables involved and the age of the child/children.

Be sensitive. Be patient. Time is needed. Understanding and gentleness are needed. As a Step-Mom you have to be the bigger person in stature as well as in character and maturity. Realize that the children are reacting out of this hurt and pain and it is not a personal attack on you. Let God’s grace soothe and strengthen you. It can be a time of tremendous opportunity for your growth and positive influence on these children.

And by all means REMEMBER that your husband is caught in the crossfire between wife, ex-wife and children. His stress levels are off the charts trying to juggle responsibilities, expectations and keep the peace.  Told ya this AIN’T NO FAIRY TALE!

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16 English Standard Version

Being a successful Step-Mom is hard work. The odds are unevenly stacked against us in most cases. If you are not yet married and an official Step-Mom, count the cost carefully. Do not enter into this role of Step-Mom lightly. Truly it AIN’T NO FAIRY TALE!

Being a good Step-Mother is definitely a calling.  You’re only fooling yourself if you think you can do it without the help of God.  Don’t even try it on your own, there’s too much at stake. Consider these staggering statistics from the US Bureau of Census:

The average marriage in America lasts only 7 years.
One out of two marriages end in divorce.
75% remarry (creating new stepfamilies)
Over 50% of US families are remarried or recoupled.
2100 new stepfamilies form everyday

Divorce rate for second marriages when only one parent has children is 65%
When both partners have children divorce rate rises to 70%
Divorce rate for third marriages is 73%

The good news is with God ALL things are possible! (Matthew 19:26) I found myself in the 73% chance of divorce category. The Lord kept impressing on my heart not to be afraid of Cortney or of being her Step-Mom. And so I stepped out in faith to Step-Mothering.

That was 12 years ago and Cortney is grown and married now. I thought you may like to hear things from her side so stay tuned. . .

Shine on. . .
karan k

Ain’t No Fairy Tale: Part II

 

“Your WORD is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.” Psalm 119:105 New Living Translation

 

Fear and Selfishness were my constant adversarial companions as I contemplated what I saw ahead of me. At this juncture I found myself genuinely head over heels in-love with a man, BUT he had an 11 year old daughter. Marriage was a package deal, my brain shouted at me as it ran ahead into the future. I could not get permanently involved without considering this precious child.

First thing was to get over my fear by submitting it to the Holy Spirit every time it tried to whisper sweet frightenings into my ears. I had to trust Him to guide me through the anxiety, the doubt, the second guessing, worries etc.,

Every time I took an attacking thought captive, the Holy Spirit strengthened my resolve and shed light on the correct path before me. Progress was moment by moment, painstakingly slow but the results were durably enduring.

 

I remember a particular incident early on in my relationship with my new daughter;

Dwight and I were taking her to a local festival during 4th of July week. We thought it would be fun and educational for Cortney. What a foolish thought. Cortney fought us from the gitgo by lagging far behind us in the admission line. She did not heed her father’s gentle pleading to give it a chance. She deliberately poked around and her facial expressions clearly screamed, “I Do Not Want to be Here!”

Entertaining and educational reenactments didn’t help.
Delicious food didn’t help.
Comedy shows didn’t help.
And oh my, she was too big for pony rides!

Frustrated we decided to leave after just a few hours but were not willing to give up. W e decided to take her to something she loved, a roller rink that had inline skating. Surely she would be happy there.

Dwight and I donned our old fashion roller-skates while Cortney laboriously put on her rollerblades. We skated carefully as a couple while Cortney sat sulking outside the rink. After 20 min or so she reluctantly entered the skating area. After 15 minutes she seemed to be flying around the rink enjoying herself, but later refused to admit it, of course. The little rascal!

It took half a day to pry a smile out of her and it didn’t last long but I counted it as a small seed of victory. These tiny triumphs are what step-moms need to move forward on the road to winning their child’s heart.

 

Practical Tips for Step-Moms:

*Build a strong union with your new spouse providing a safe, stable environment for the children.

*Never try to take the biological Mother’s place of your child/children.

*Get to know your new child/children, spend time learning about what they do and do not like.

*Be genuine, allow them to get to know you and see you realistically, flaws and all.

*Give your children choices when asking them to do something or make a decision.

*Ask God specifically for long-suffering with your children, not patience, or you will find yourself knee-deep in problems.

*Speak respectfully of your child/children’s biological parent, or say nothing.

*Let the child/children’s father lead in discipline.

I found these tips to work wonders where my relationship with Cortney was concerned. I hope they help any other struggling step-moms as well.

“These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children. . .” Titus 2:4 New Living Translation

Shine on. . .
karan k

Ain’t No Fairy Tale: Part I

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.” Matthew 5:9

One thing I NEVER EVER thought I would be was (cue drum roll), a Step Mother!
I grew up watching all the Disney animated features and the two that stuck in my brain the most were Cinderella and Snow White. These two stories each had a common villain robed in deceptive beauty, a Wicked Step-Mother.

So I kept my guard up whenever I spent time with a friend who had a step-mother. Although it was not prevalent in my childhood world of the 60s and 70s, today it’s all too common in families.

I made up my mind early in life that I could probably be open to adoption but not to step-parenting. I couldn’t bear the thought of sharing a husband’s affections with the memory of a former spouse or struggling for a spot in the heart of a child who already had a mother. Then there’s the difficult task of tiptoeing around a Daddy/Daughter relationship… LORD, help me! And HE did.

First of all I must say this became a FANTASTIC opportunity not only to grow as a person but also to nurture some spiritual fruit on my empty vine. Would I seize the opportunity or act like a spoiled child myself?

Have you ever been here? A place where you know the path will be difficult ahead but somehow good for you in the end? It’s so easy sometimes to run refusing to be stretched but I can tell you that a FLURISHING life needs times of intense stretching to become flexible like elastic. It’s much easier to maneuver through life like elastic than stiff unless you enjoy being broken over and over. Think about that until we continue the Step-Mother saga.

Don’t be afraid of stretching

 

“Enlarge the site of your tent, stretch out the curtains of your dwellings, do not hold back. Lengthen your ropes and drive your stakes deep.” Isaiah 54:2 Berean Study Bible

Shine on. . .

karan k

Cell Slave

Marine Eagle, Globe, Anchor Medallion
seven Superbowl IV KC Chiefs

What would you consider to be your most treasured possession?
I took a poll recently to discover how some of you would answer that question. The following is a brief list of answers:

1990 Hydro Sport Vector CC Boat

Paper Cash
Dan Wesson Pointman 9 Pistol
Kansas City Chiefs Autographs from 1971
Marine Medallion
Stuffed Black Lamb
Cards and Creations from Daughters
Guitar
Hydrosport Boat
Baseball Cards
College Diploma
Photograph Collection
Rare Trade Dollar Coin

1878 Dolaar Trade Coin

All of these cherished items are fine in their proper place in our lives and minds.

The last three people gave the same answer—- Cell Phone.  Consider with me that out of fifteen people three said their phone was the possession they prized the most. That’s a fifth of those questioned. Assuming for a moment this same poll was done on a much larger scale, do you think the results would differ? I’d venture to guess they would remain the same or increase in percentage for cell phones as the highest ranking answer.

Recently I lost my own cell phone somewhere in our house. My husband and I searched for it, calling it from his phone but we heard nothing. I used the Find My Phone app but it was too late, my phone battery was already dead and could not respond.

Where oh where is my cell phone?

After a few days of searching, I concluded that God may have a lesson and possibly a blog post (tada!) in mind for this lost cell situation so I stopped searching.

I trusted HE knew exactly where my phone lay in hiding. I asked HIM to help me find it. I searched  but to no avail.  I concluded it was not yet time for the phone to be found.

Could you live for a month without your phone? A fifth of you may say “No Way.”

Cell phones like computers have become a staple in most of our lives. They perform innumerable functions so their value is great. They’re a portable tool for modern humanity that connects us globally beyond what our forefathers ever could have imagined. And yet we sometimes allow them to control us rather than using them responsibly.

“Do not put your trust in idols or make metal images of gods for yourselves. I am the LORD your God.” Leviticus 19:4

New Living Translation

Crisp Cash

 

How many times have you heard someone complain about how much time they wasted on Face Book, Instagram or some other Internet forum? It can be intoxicating and without our notice,  addicting. We can become obsessive about having the phone with us at all times.

I found my phone at a very unlikely place 27 days after it went MIA. It was a forced technology fast but it was rather refreshing.

Have you ever considered a technology fast? I know people who do this regularly. If you find it easy for your phone to consume your time and energy in a negative way fasting a few days from phone/computer use can give you a right perspective on things. It can prevent your phone from becoming a coveted possession.

God wants our undivided attention and HE doesn’t want to share it with any type of idol  even metallic technology. So be aware and take care not to be a cell slave.

Blacky, one of the only treasures  this person has from childhood

 

“Before you knew God, you were slaves of gods that are not real. But now you know God, or better still, God knows you. How can you turn back and become the slaves of those weak and pitiful powers?” Galatians 4:8 + 9 Contemporary English Version

Shine on. . .

karan k

A Tiny Tale and a Tremendous Challenge from the Booth

 

Yesterday I saw a World Vision truck drive through the interchange. It was the first one I ever saw here at Denver. I’ve heard so many good things about World Vision so a few months ago Dwight and I decided to sponsor a child through this International ministry. In the past I was connected to children through Compassion International but this is my first experience with World Vision.

When the time came for my husband and I to choose a child, we made our choice easily. There was a little 10 year old boy named Elvis from Bolivia on the list of unsponsored children. Our family has always loved ELVIS so for us, the choice was obvious. Whenever we hear or see anything ELVIS related (including the upcoming ’68 Comeback concert on the big screen), I hope it will remind us to pray for our little Elvis!

One of the children I sponsored through Compassion International in the early 1990s, was a little girl named Impanoyimana from Africa. After several years of communication with her I was suddenly cut off. I found out later through field officers of the ministry that her family had gotten caught up in the horrors of the Rwandan genocide. Impanoyimana’s family were murdered while she was attending school at a Compassion compound. She was frantic to find her family and did not show up for classes shortly afterward. Impanoyimana was last presumed to be fleeing for her life. I never heard anything else concerning her because Compassion International could no longer locate her.

My heart was sickened and worried for Impanoyimana. I prayed for her safety. My hope has always been that she survived and has grown into a strong Godly woman somewhere in the world. Of course I may never know during this life?

It was difficult to start a new sponsorship after her disappearance but in time, I did. These children can be greatly influenced by a little time, a little money and a lot of love. If you’ve never considered child sponsorship, pray on it and step out in faith if led by His grace to take a child into your life. It’s a small sacrifice that can mean the difference between life and death for these destitute children.

Our own Elvis

 

Have you ever sponsored a child in another country? What were your experiences?

 

World Vision and Compassion International are both diligent and trustworthy ministries partnering with children, families, and their communities to  overcome poverty and injustice. They provide education, medical care, food and the Gospel. Click on their websites below for more information.

http://www.WorldVision.org/WorldVision

http://www.compassion.com

“Be generous and share your food with the poor. You will be blessed for it.” Proverbs 22:9 Good News Translation

Shine on. . .
karan k

Well Known/Well Used?

How many of you honestly enjoy your daily life? Are you truly FLURISHING? We all have ups and downs, difficulties and challenges but underlying it all, do you feel good, do you sense the peace of God that passes ALL understanding? Do you have a private joy in the depths of your soul?

I have just come through a long depression that lasted about 5 months. It most likely was triggered by the death of my mother back on New Year’s Day. Could have been the grieving process? I may never know but it has been a difficult year. I leaned on familiar passages of scripture and continued trusting in the loving kindness of my heavenly Father. There were good days, blah days, tired days, unmotivated days and horrible days within my soul. Yet, as I kept looking to Him HE WAS EVER FAITHFUL!!!

I am here today to encourage you not to give up seeking the face of God amidst whatever you may be experiencing. This is the purpose of my blog, to remind you that HE is ever faithful and wants to be close to you and experience all of your “stuff” with you. HE wants the best life possible for you, the abundant FLURISHING life HE knows is possible for each of HIS children.

So, all that being said if you know these verses listed below, don’t just pass them by. USE them and BELIEVE them for your current situation. They may be well known but if they are not well used they will not help you.

And, if the verses are new to you, read them over and over allowing them to sink into your heart and memory so you can use them when needed. His Word is quick and powerful, sharper than any two-edged sword. He is alive in these Words so USE it, that’s why HE gave it to us.

If you are FLURISHING currently, don’t forget to praise God for the blessing. Thank Him for His goodness in your life.

“Enter His gates with thanksgiving; go into His courts with praise. Give thanks to Him and praise His Name.” Psalm 100:4 New Living Translation

 

 

If things are rough going at the moment, cry out to Him for help.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” II Corinthians 1:3 + 4 New International Version

 

 

If you are tired, burned out from exhaustion, come to Him for strength and let Him help you with your load.

“Take My yoke upon you. Let Me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:29 New Living Translation

 

 

If you feel blah and lack motivation call on His name to renew your zeal and revive your spirit.

“But those who trust the LORD will find new strength. They will be strong like eagles soaring upward on wings; they will walk and run without getting tired.” Isaiah 40:31 Contemporary English Version

 

 

If you are overcome by sin and guilt, talk to Him, confess your sin and depend upon His mercy which endures forever.

“But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.” I John 1:9 New Living Translation

 

Read about His mercy in Psalm 136

REMEMBER:

“For the Word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than any two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.” Hebrews 4:12 New Living Translation

Shine on. . .

karan k

“Never, Never, Never Give up on God! If HE helps me, He will help you.” A combined  quote from Winston Churchill + me

The Red Flag of Conscience

“And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it,’ when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.” Isaiah 30:21 English Standard Version

Someone commented on my “Sin Still Happens” post about how nice it would be if we had a natural red flag warning system in our heads/hearts. I thought to myself we do each have a built-in red flag system called “Conscience”.

“The Lord gave us a mind and conscience; we cannot hide from ourselves.” Proverbs 20:27 Good News Translation

 

Do you think our conscience can be trusted?

I believe God cleverly engineered it into our very being. But do we bear any responsibility where conscience is concerned? Read on.

Merriam-Webster defines conscience as, “the sense or consciousness of the moral goodness or blameworthiness of one’s own conduct, intentions, or character together with a feeling of obligation to do right or be good.”

A Google definition says conscience is “An inner feeling or voice viewed as acting as a guide to the rightness or wrongness of one’s behavior.”

Which definition do you think is correct—Webster’s or Google? Can you explain your answer?

I’d venture to say in my opinion, they are both correct. According to http://www.gotquestions.com, “The conscience is the servant of our own individual value system.”

So our value systems of belief start forming from what we are exposed to as children. We’re influenced by family, church or religious training, school, community, culture and friends. Each of us decides over time to choose from these experiences and exposures what we believe to be true. This makes up our individual value system which our conscience follows. So we must choose our truths wisely. Or. . . results could be disastrous.

uh oh. . . bad input led to bad output

 

Some people are actively engaged in this process of forming values and some are passive, believing whatever comes across their mind’s path. We know the mind is an incredible organ more intricate than any computer man can create. So shouldn’t we be concerned about the values we choose as input for our personal filter systems?

I think so. If we want to use our natural flag system, we need to be intentional. We need to examine the input in our value systems from our past and determine what stays and what must be deleted to line up with scripture.

As Christ followers we choose the moral code set out for us first in the Ten Commandments and then the rest of the written Word to be input for our value system. But we must know what the Word of God says before that data can be entered into the grid system of our conscience.

As children we are taught on a child’s level. As we grow we need to actively read and learn what the Word says to update the information in the memory banks of our conscience. Using the gift God gave us of a healthy mind we continue to process the scripture throughout our lives, always updating and adding information as well as experience.

If something learned from the past is wrong, we need to update it or delete it altogether. A constant check on our value system input.

Again from http://www.gotanswers.com, “An immature or weak value system produces a weak conscience, while a fully informed value system produces a strong sense of right or wrong. In the Christian life, one’s conscience can be driven by an inadequate understanding of scriptural truths and can produce feelings of guilt and shame disproportionate to the issues at hand. Maturing in the faith strengthens the conscience.”

So if we diligently maintain the data of our value system included in our conscience it will be strong and we can use it as a yellow flag of caution or direction. However, since it can only respond to what we choose to value, can we trust it wholeheartedly?

I would say, “No.” Because the reliability factor lies in how well we program and care for our conscience. Unlike God’s revealed Word, our conscience is changeable and fallible.

Some people simply neglect their conscience, believing it works automatically which certainly doesn’t lead to a healthy, reliable conscience. Each of us is responsible for programming, updating and cleaning our own conscience.

If we do the work to maintain our conscience (proper programming, updating and cleaning) then we can use it as a guide but even then it must pass the test of lining up with the ultimate flag system of God’s Holy Spirit and  Word which will never contradict each other. So ongoing maintenance and subordination to God’s Word are the keys to a trustworthy conscience.

You cannot FLURISH without a purified conscience.

“How much more will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered Himself without blemish to God, purify our conscience from dead works to serve the living God.” Hebrews 9:14 English Standard Version

Shine on. . .

karan k

 

Hairy Renegade Feelings

 

“Beauty is the illumination of your soul.”
John O’Donohue

 

Anyone out there looking for a new style for that crop growing on your head? I get the itch about twice a year to cut and style my hair in a new way. Tonight is my appointment with my Stylist. I have no idea how I want my hair to look. I just know I want a change. Somehow this bothers me. If I’m not happy with how my hair looks, then I can easily FEEL unattractive and unattractiveness can spiral into worthlessness if I don’t take notice and harness those renegade feelings.

Can anyone else relate? How do you prefer to wear your hair?

When I was younger, someone close to me asked me never to cut my hair. Being the people pleaser I was at that time I explained that my hair needed trimming now and then to be healthy. So I wore my hair long cutting it only for regular teeny trims. Male attention seemed to run high for long hair on women and I didn’t always know how to handle that attention very well. Still I liked it. So I kept my hair long. I began to find my beauty, even my self worth, in my hair.

“Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes.”
I Peter 3:3 New Living Translation

It took me years to realize I was allowing  my hair to define me. I didn’t want to be known by hair only. One day in an act of defiance against this consuming hair bondage, I cut my hair short. How refreshingly liberating! And the short crop fit my perky personality so much better. We women are more than just  pretty heads of hair for goodness sake.

Now in my mid 50s I can’t believe I continue to wrestle negative thoughts about my appearance being dependent on a good hair day. The battle is not as intense as it once was but it remains a nuisance to my peace of mind. Negative thoughts will not subside with age, unfortunately. But as we age we can hone and strengthen our skill at detecting lies from the enemy and defeat him faster.

 

Ladies, if you know Jesus and you share this HAIR struggle, let me tell you we are so much more than a HEAD OF BEAUTIFUL HAIR! We have to tell ourselves the truth about who we are whether we have long locks or peach fuzz!

“God decided in advance to adopt us into His own family by bringing us to Himself through Jesus Christ. This is what He wanted to do, and it gave Him great pleasure.” Ephesians 1:5 New Living Translation

Each of us is a divine Princess. All daughters of the King of Kings! Everyone of us has unique gifts and talents to be used to better our world and glorify our Father. Our hair is just a God given accessory to hold our crown in place. Hair is for grooming not for obsessing.

 

Perhaps you don’t FEEL like a beautiful Princess. . . are you gonna trust your flighty feelings or listen to your Father and King?

“Take care of your inner, spiritual beauty. That will reflect on your face.”
Delores Del Rio

Shine on. . .
karan k

Sin Still Happens

“You are a sinner and your sin will find you out in time, in your body, in your character, in your conscience, and ultimately in eternity.”

Dr. Billy Graham

HOW DOES THAT QUOTE GRAB YOUR HEART?

“Not a single person on earth is always good and never sins.” Ecclesiastes 7:20

Since all of us sin, we need to deal with it properly. How do you handle sin in your life? Do you recognize it as sin? Do you admit to yourself that YES, I still sin at times and am in need of a constant flow of my loving Savior’s grace and mercy? Or does pride block your view of sin in your own heart and life?

It’s oh so easy to justify whenever we sin, isn’t it? So how DO you handle sin in your life?

Whenever I sin a red flag should go up as an alert. I need to pay attention and deal with this as quickly as possible, but often I ignore my conscience and what I know to be true. Was it even sin, I question? Do I take the time to think about it, considering my motives? Not as often as I should I’m afraid. Usually I tell myself something that sounds good about why I did what I did and then just move on about my business. This practice does nothing to cleanse away my sin. It actually allows it to find room to settle and fester in my heart.

So if we want to avoid sin build-up and boldly face the truth about ourselves, we pray for courage and the Holy Spirit’s guidance and enlightenment. Sometimes our sin is easy to spot, other times it hides deep inside attitudes and loyalties. The key is to recognize sin in our heart and deal with it swiftly not allowing it to set up shop in our hearts and minds. The longer it stays the stronger it becomes. We need the Holy Spirit’s help in this process.

 

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar, and His Word is not in us.” I John 1:9 & 10 New King James Version

Sin separates us from God’s presence as far as closeness goes but HE remains within the hearts of His children even though we sin. We who have accepted Jesus’ sacrifice for our sin do not lose our salvation when we sin but we do lose the pleasure of HIS presence while we remain unrepentant. Sin squelches our FLURISHING condition for the moment but we need only confess (admit our sin to God) and repent (remorse prompting us to turn away from that particular sin and toward God for help to overcome it) to be fully restored into His presence again. Through the whole process He loves us and wants us to come to Him for restoration.

 

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23 & 24 New King James Version

 

Shine on. . .
karan k